Portnoy’s Defence
Who wrote this?
 
 
 
What is the point of Portnoy’s Defence? Where did it come from? Who wrote it? And, for crying out loud, why? Let me answer these questions one at a time.
 
The point of Portnoy’s Defence is subtle, quasi-religious, and inspirational. It is a stirring and powerful defence of an artform that has been enjoyed by humankind since the beginnings of time and yet which still awaits full recognition for its capacity to please and reward. The time for onanism is nigh!
 
From whence did this powerful tome arise? I am able to confirm that Portnoy’s Defence (treatise, manuscript, statement of faith or howsoever it may be described) has been circulating the libraries of Northern Europe for at least two hundred years – and yet it’s author, Leo P. Strong, is as modern and contemporary as you and I. To this day he can be found lecturing in the famous Rotherham Clinic, widely declaiming the merits of onanistic practices and ‘utterly safe sex’. He writes, in Chapter Seven, ‘I believe that I am the first and only prophet of onanism, and that every night many millions of worshippers join me at prayer in the temple of the flesh.’ And how can we dispute this? Leo P. Strong is a man of conviction… and his convictions offer us a peculiar form of salvation.
 
Thus we come to the ‘Why?’ In writing Portnoy’s Defence Professor Strong offers humanity a means of redemption – an escape from our troubled lives for which we have so long yearned. Portnoy’s Defence is a gift to each and every one of us, and one which I most sincerely urge you to receive.
 
This work (also entitled ‘Ritual and Revelation in the Temple of the Flesh’) is approximately forty A4 pages in length, subject to download format, and overflows with wisdom and advice. It has been my honour and privilege to act as Professor Strong’s translator and it is with eternal and undying gratitude that I also claim to be his friend.
 
Praise for Portnoy's Defence
 
“A magnificent compendium of advice and technique”
            -   Zeno Goddard, Publishing Empire
 
“Serendipitous… very nearly sublime”
                        -   Princess Margaret IV of Mauritania
 
“A work of unparalleled authority, peppered with salty anecdotes”
                        -   Jehovaphat Paxman, priest
 
“Spare me for I have sinned”
                        -    Arthur Ingman, dentist
 
 
 
 
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Portnoy's Defence £666.66